When out of the blue...

Grief is a funny (and miserable) thing. I can go for days, even weeks without getting emotional, when out of the blue, WHAM. I get knocked flat on my ass. It just takes one small thing to set it off, but once it is, look out if you're in my path.

I was at the store a week or so ago when I saw a t-shirt that said "DEVILLE." My heart immediately sank and I got a huge lump in my throat. They could probably see the lump in the security cameras. I was taken back to the moment when I looked at Dad's favorite hats hanging in the hall; that awful moment when I realized he would never, ever wear them again. One of them said "Deville." The other was a hat with the mascot of his favorite college football team on it. We found a miniature version of it at a local college store and placed it in his hands to be buried with. I went all the way around the store twice in order to keep from seeing the "Deville" shirt again.

A few days later, I was at the store looking for a shirt my sister had told me about...when...there it was. The hoodie we'd buried him in, only in a different color.

So I see this hoodie hanging there. I was on the phone with my sister when all of the sudden, I became very quiet. She asked if I was there, but I could barely make a noise. Finally, my breath came back and I told her that I had seen the hoodie we buried Dad in and that I was about to panic or faint...something. The walls closed in on me and everything except for what was directly in front of me was black. I stopped, closed my eyes, took several deep breaths and opened my eyes again. I was fine. Crisis averted...even if only temporarily.

That night as I was drifting off into a deep sleep when all of the sudden, there he was. Lying in the casket. I shot up off the couch, turned the TV on, and ended up not going to sleep at all that night. I didn't think I could handle yet another round of seeing him dead. I've been on the verge of being knocked out for months, but that would have been the left hook that left me totally knocked out - complete with blood gushing from my wounds. I'm not ready to lose the fight just yet, so I do whatever I can to side-step it. Sometimes I can't; but most of the time, I can.

I've always thought that was pretty funny...it has nothing to do with ... nothing. I just needed to laugh.