This has been a public service announcement....brought to you by the letters M & E.

::::clearing throat::::

"Ladies, Gentlemen and Motherfuckers of all ages!! May I have your attention please?? Hey! You in the back there. Shut the fuck up before I smash your gourd in with an iron skillet!

I'm gonna be an Aunt!"

My baby sister (who isn't a baby) is pregnant! She has no idea of what she's in for. She's embarking on an adventure that no other can rival. I'm so happy that she will get to experience the pure joy of being a mother. Sure, it has its bad moments, but what doesn't? She asked me if it was normal that the only thing she could think about was the baby. I chuckled...I told her that this was only the beginning. Her life is forever changed. For the rest of her days, she'll worry and fret over her child. I guess to people who have no children, that probably sounds like an incredible burden. Its not. The good things far out-weigh the bad. I'm so excited for her!

We went to the nursing home to see my husband's grandmother on Sunday. Every time we go, I witness something that makes me laugh until I almost piss in my pants. This time, it was his grandmother's roomate. She was dragging herself around in her wheelchair and kept bumping into things. Then she'd say, "Is this my room? This is my room. This is MY room? Whose room is this? Its MY room!" and she'd go in for like 10 seconds, comeback out and start the process all over again. She got so irritated with herself that she started spitting in the floor. It was absolutely disgusting. There was blood in her spit! As we were leaving, I saw a woman in a wheelchair just sitting in the hall. One of the nurses walked by and the old woman smacked her on the ass as hard as she could. I laughed so hard that I had to hold onto the rail in the hallway to keep from falling over.

I always see odd things. Perhaps its because my sense of humor is warped that I find these things funny. I have several nursing home stories. The woman across the hall from my husband's grandmother is pretty bad off. Her mind is completely gone. Once, I looked into her room to say "hello" and I found her sitting in a chair with a potted plant. She looked up at me just as she was shoveling some dirt into her mouth. I said, "Mrs. Alexander, you're eating dirt." She looked at me, obviously bewildered at what I'd just said. I tried to take the plant away so she'd stop eating the stupid thing, but she freaked out. I flipped her call light on and left the room.

Then there's a man, probably well into his 60's, but he functions on the level of a 1 year old. He shuffles around hollering "Mama? Mama?" Sometimes we see him in the lobby watching cartoons. One thing you NEVER do to him is change the channel when his cartoons are on. Well, somebody didn't know that. The channel changed and Logan flipped his lid. He began to whine and then he began to scream. The next thing I knew, chairs were flying. After the chairs came magazines. When he ran out of magazines, he lobbed his beloved Pooh-Bear across the lobby. After he couldn't find anything else to throw, he fell in the floor and began banging his head on it.

My sister used to work at a nursing home. She has GREAT stories. There was a 96 year old lady there that always asked her if she could get in the jacuzzi so that she could "play with some dicks." There was also a man who always wanted my sister's lunch. One day, she said she'd give him her lunch if he did a dance for her. Sure enough, he got up and did a dance for her sandwich.

One of my favorite stories is about a woman who always stole bed pads and all kinds of other supplies from the cart. One day, they were short on bed pads and wouldn't let the woman have any extra. She got incredibly pissed off. She lifted herself out of her wheelchair and began screaming, "I'm gonna shit in the floor!" over and over. My sister just stood there in shock. So the woman squatted down and began grunting. This made my sister laugh uncontrollably which pissed the woman off even more. The grunts became louder and louder until finally, an enormous terd hit the floor. This sent my sister into hysterics. She couldn't stop laughing. Then the woman stood there and pissed like there was no tomorrow.

There was also this man who yelled all the time. My sister could always hear him in his room screaing, "Bea! Beatrice! Get your fat ass in here and make me some pancakes!!"

I could go on and on, but I'm sleepy. Time to hit the hay. Again.