I had to go to the grocery store this evening. We were out of...well, everything. I opened my car door and stepped out. I turned to close the door when I saw it. I thought "Holy shit, don't laugh, and whatever you do, don't look at it again." I tried SO hard, but I just couldn't help myself - I looked again. I went into complete hysterics; side splitting cackles that went on and on. Tears streamed from my my eyes my jaws began to ache from laughing so hard. What I saw was a man in his car, backing out of his parking space - with the biggest fucking banana I'd ever seen stuffed into his mouth like it was a dick. He wasn't holding onto it; it was just hanging there, like it was stuck. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Well, except for when that guy threw that dog...
My friend Matt and I were at a party several years ago. I was stoned and drunk and Matt was too. We were sitting out on the patio of someone's house when we heard the door open. We looked up and there stood this incredibly fat guy holding a labrador retriever over his head. He screamed, "Get the hell out of here!!!" and then he proceeded to throw the dog about 15 feet into the yard. It yelped when it landed but it got up and came over and sat down next to Matt and I. We both sat silently for a few minutes and then Matt said, "Man. Did you just see what I seen? That guy just threw a dog." I looked at the dog for a minute and said, "Yeah dude. That guy just threw that dog." and we began laughing like crazy.
That was also the night Willis joined the family. We were all shit-faced but that didn't stop us from drinking the entire contents of an enormous cooler filled with Everclear and fruit punch. We were all congregated in a little room huddling around the cooler when the guy that lived there brought out a big plastic rat. He layed the rat down and I picked him up. I layed the rat on a work out bench and made it look like he was bench pressing about 200 lbs. Everybody thought it was incredibly funny so I kept it up for a while. Then I had a great idea; I would steal the rat and take him home to have as my very own. I stashed him in Matt's car and when we left, I pulled out the rat and introduced "Willis" to all of his new friends. I promptly cut a small hole in the rat's mouth and rolled a joint and stuck it in the hole. The next day, my friend Sara and I took Willis on a shopping excursion. I wasn't going to have a naked rat hanging around. If he was going to live with me, he would have to be clothed. We went to K-Mart, got a shopping cart, strapped Willis in it like he was a kid and bought him some tacky red polyester baby overalls and the tiniest blue Converse tennis shoes I'd ever seen. That evening, the rat's real owner called Matt and asked if he'd seen his rat. Matt said that he hadn't and then the guy asked if he thought maybe I stole it since I liked it so much. Matt lied and told him that I wouldn't do anything like that. A few weeks went by and Matt called with a brilliant idea. "Let's take pictures of Willis around town and send them to Kevin." So, we did - and we inclosed a ransom note with the pictures. We thought it was pretty funny.
Another time, Matt and I were tripping on shrooms. I drove to Perkins because we were hungry. I ordered one of their bread bowl salads and proceeded to throw every piece of lettuce into the floor. I dumped the rest on the table and sat the bread bowl atop my head as a hat. Then I saw him. A nemisis from high school. His father was the pastor of the church that ran the school and I couldn't stand either one of them. He waved at me as I left, still wearing the bread bowl as a hat. I just couldn't stand it. I said, "Hey John. I need to tell you something." He smiled and put his arm around me. Then I did it. I whispered, "Hey John, you can tell your Dad to go fuck himself." and turned and walked off. The look on the guy's face sent Matt into fits of laughter and we had to leave pretty quickly.
When we left, we went to Wal-Mart. We ended up in the toy section looking at Play-Doh. Then it hit me. We could buy blue and orange Play-Doh and make something pretty groovy with it. I told Matt that we'd need some jimmy-hats, so we bought a package of those, too. We got to my car and I fashioned a very realistic looking penis out of the orange Play-Doh. I took the blue Play-Doh and made some testicles to go with it. Then I slid the rubber over the penis (no easy feat). We laughed for an eternity and then Matt had a brilliant idea. There was this transmission shop that had a cannon in the front of it. The cannon contained the upper portion of a manequin and the manequin's ass end hung out of the cannon. We drove up and placed our creation "just so" - so that it would look like a dildo in his ass.
We also did something atrocious with a Barbie that evening, but by that point, I was so lit that I can't remember what it was. I do remember ripping off its leg and putting it under the windshield wiper of Matt's ex-girlfriend's car, but I have no what it meant.
When I think back, I still marvel at the fact that I used to think stuff like that was fun. And to think that it was just 10 short years ago blows my mind.
I'll have to wait until the next time to tell you about the dacshund fucking the old english sheepdog.... I'm getting pretty sleepy.
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