A shitty deal

It was a beautiful day here in the armpit of the United States, but I spent most of in quite a funk. Two little boys that I came to love through their parent's online journals passed away. Will and Jacob are gone. Can I just say that cancer sucks big fat donkey dick?? Two precious, beautiful little boys. Gone. Just like that. I so wanted to do something...anything to help, but all I could do was sit here and beg God for a miracle. I was helpless. I can't imagine how helpless their parents felt as they watched their children suffer and die with nothing to do but be there and pray. To beg God for a miracle; to spare their child. And it didn't happen.

My faith was shaken to the roots today. However, I know that faith can't get stronger until its tested. Until we doubt. Today I doubted everything I thought I knew. I'm being tested, as are the others who loved these boys so much. They say that anything that goes through fire comes out stronger; I believe it. I learned that in a literal sense a year and a half ago. But damn if it doesn't burn like hell while you're still in it.

Tonight as I cooked dinner, I began to think about all the parents who lose children - for whatever reason. I cried for all of them and begged God to never let it happen to me. What scares me is that these kid's parents begged God too - and they weren't spared. Before it happened to them, they were just like me. It could easily be me in their shoes. I don't question why it isn't me instead of them...it frightens me.

Sometimes I don't understand why things happen. I know I'm not supposed to understand everything, but I'd feel a hell of a lot better right now if I did.

As I cried in the gravy, I felt guilty that my life was going on like always. I was cooking dinner for my family like I always do, but there are two families who's world came to a screeching halt today. I remember thinking the same thing when the house burned. Time seemed to stand still for us and I remember thinking how unfair it was that other people were going about their lives as if nothing had happened. I soon came to the realization that if their lives also stood still, then we couldn't heal like we needed to and we wouldn't have gotten the help from them that we did.

Today I felt like telling God to take the fucking ear plugs out of his ears. Why didn't he listen? And if he did, why did they die?? Because of a greater plan? I'm sorry, but if that's the case, then these two boys got a shitty deal if you ask me - so its a damn good thing nobody asked me.