Redemption And A Tree Frog (and Seceamia Street)

For the 1st time in our marriage, my husband did not let me down. I am not going back to work. He finally grew a set and decided to provide for his family. But not without a little push from his Mother....naturally. My mother-in-law, as evil as she is, thinks that a mother should stay home with her children, no matter what the cost to the father of said children. She called me the day after he told me I had to go back to work and asked if the baby could spend the night with her. I politely declined and said, "With me going back to work in a few weeks, I want to spend every second I can with her." She began to cry. She asked why I had to go back to work and I said, "The ends aren't even close to meeting. I've got to make up the slack." My husband was on his way home from work when this conversation took place between my mother-in-law and myself - he showed up 30 minutes late and said that he'd be working full time from now on at his second job - and 10 minutes after that, my mother-in-law came to pick the baby up when I never said she could - but I figured it was thanks enough to let her have the kid for one evening. No one had to say anything. She had ripped him a new asshole for being a lazy ass which prompted him to get off of his lazy ass and do something about our situation. Sometimes you just gotta go directly to the root of the source. Why her opinion means so much to him, I'll never know. Nor do I care to know.

Sooooo, I was on the phone with a friend of mine when I saw the unimagineable. There was a TREE FROG on the wall in the living room. I hate frogs. Detest them. Perhaps I may even loathe them. Anyway, I immediately began to squeal like a little bitch. I didn't know what to do. I certainly wasn't touching the nasty fucker. I ran to the kitchen and got a piece of tupperware to catch his slimey ass in. Just as I went in for the kill, the asshole took a wild leap into the floor. I promptly pissed in my pants and quickly regathered my thoughts. By that point, I lost track of the stupid frog and couldn't find him anywhere. After standing in a chair for nearly 5 minutes, he showed his nasty little face again. And then he proceeded to jump into a clothes basket - FULL of clean clothes (which I re-washed in hot water THREE times, with bleach, TYVM). I dumped the shit out and he hopped onto the floor. I gently sat the tupperware on top of him and and trapped him. I sat back down on the couch, conspiring with my friend as to what the next step should be when something caught my eye. The little green asshole had somehow escaped from his tupperware prison cell. I began squealing like a little bitch again. He lept onto the wall and just clung to it, breathing and doing whatever it is that tree frogs do. I sprinted to the kitchen to get another something to trap him with. I for SURE wasn't touching the tupperware again; it had frog cooties on it. The first thing I saw was a short glass; I grabbed it and ran to the living room. I trapped him again (but not before a near tree frog attack) and he hopped to the back of the 3" glass. In a panic, I jerked the glass off of the wall and the frog began trying to escape. He was jumping like a fucking idiot, but thank God I made it to the door before he escaped. I flung the door open and tossed the whole kit-and-caboodle into the yard. I half hoped that the glass would shatter upon impact, but it didn't. I waited until the frog hopped off and then I went to retrieve the glass. I took it to the kitchen and immediately placed it in the dishwasher. But see, there's a problem. I will only use big glasses to drink out of now. I'm scared to death that if I get a little glass, it will be the one that the frog was in. I should have thrown the stupid glass away because there's no way to differentiate it between all of the other short glasses. They all look the same. I'm not sure that I'll ever get over the Horny Toad Massacre of 2006.

Speaking of frogs, I heard the funniest thing ever on the radio the other day. It was Kermit The Frog and Big Bird - stoned. I found it online and had no idea that Adam Sandler did it. Here it is, but its not very funny unless you hear it.

Can ya tell me how to get,
How to get to seceamia street

Kermit: Hello, kermit the frog here,
And welcome to seceamia street
I'd like to tell you what todays letter is but I am really
ffffucked up
Big bird, do you know what todays letter is?
Big bird: Sure Kernit...
Todays letter is....joint
Kermit: ya...Big bird, joint is not a letter, it is a word
Big Bird:Sorry kids, todays letter is...3
Kermit: Big bird, 3 is a number
Big bird: Exactly! The number 3, which is how many joints I've smoked today
...kermit, are you with me?
Kermit:God I'm stoned...
Big bird: Me too...
Elmo:guys, guys, show go on! Come on!
Kermit:Thank you Elmo...how 'bout we say our abc's?
Both: ABCDEFRGQKCRCF
Big Bird:I forgot what we where doing, Krammit
Kermit: ...did you just call me...Krammit?
Big bird:Yes I did
Kermit: ...Krammit the frog here (laughing)...well kids thats all the time we have for today
goodbye kids...todays show was bought to you by the letter......ummmmmmmmm....
Big bird:Bong
Kermit:Yes, and the number.....hmmmmmmmmmmm.....
Big bird: God, you're messed up
Kermit: ..Fuck you, the number fuck you (laughing)...bye bye!
Big Bird:Bye bye kids!

Can ya tell me how to get,
How to get to Seceamia Street