Giant dog

Upon looking out the kitchen window about a month ago, I discovered something horrendous. My dog. Poor thing has always been a bit on the portly side (he gets it from his mother, LOL), but what I saw blew my mind. I look at him every day, and I'm still not quite sure how him gaining 40 lbs. went completely unnoticed. I screamed for my husband and said "Look at him! What happened?!! He's GINORMOUS!" I made him retrieve the dog instantly. I got the collar and leash and took his big ass on a walk. The dog is so fat that he's now a regular spectacle in the neighborhood. I'm not shitting you and I swear on my life that cars slow down when they pass so they can get a good look at him. The 1st day we went on a walk, I saw a little girl jumping into the shrubbery in her front yard. I sort of stopped and looked and figured she was probably scared of dogs. In a few seconds, I heard a small, scared voice say, "Hey....is that a baby bear??!" I turned around and the only thing sticking out of the shrubbery was the kid's face. She thought my dog was a bear?? Around on the other side of the block, we encountered a man spraying for weeds in his front yard. He stopped dead and said, "That dog is HUGE! I know where I'm coming for dinner from now on!" Being the smart ass that I am, I replied, "Well...that's stupid. You can OBVIOUSLY see who eats all the food at MY house!" Then he paid my dog the ultimate insult. I wanted to poke him square in his eye when he said, "Well, under all that fat, you can tell he's a pretty dog. He's got a gorgeous face." F-YOU. OK seriously? I know my dog weighs 140 lbs. but he's gigantic anyway. The 1st time we took him to the vet, he was 6 weeks old and 6 1/2 lbs. One look at the dog later and the vet said, "You're going to have a mammoth on your hands. He'll weigh between 100-125 lbs. full grown." Even though the man's specialty breed is the Labrador Retriever, I really didn't think much of what he said...until the dog started to grow - and eat. Holy shit balls. Since Labs have a problem with hip dysplasia, he told us to feed the dog all the premium dog food he'd eat until he was 18 months old. This would "hopefully" prevent his bones from growing faster than his joints. The dog and his two "siblings" ate 37.5 lbs. of $42.00 dog food every week, with the bulk of it going to old Rooney, the dog I'm telling you about. At 3 months old, the dog's feet were as big as dinner plates. His legs were long and spindly; I used to say "One wrong move on those babies and he's a goner." His ears were like 6 times the size of his face; he looked absolutely ridiculous. Just as the vet said, at about 18 months, the beast stopped growing at 115 lbs. Unbelievable. And the dog thinks he's a lap dog. Sit down and his blubbery ass in right on your lap. Every time.

My kid has a wicked heat rash that keeps waking her up. Must go tend to it...