He's here!!

From my journal at home:

December 29, 2006

I am beyond excited!! At 8:52 p.m., my little sister gave birth to her firstborn. I've been crying off and on since my step-mom called me at 8:53 to convey the happy news. The kid keeps asking me why I'm sad and I find it comical for some reason. He was 6 lbs. 9 oz. and was 19 inches long. He's got lots of blond hair, blue eyes (which we hope change to green), and a dimple in his chin.

Having a baby is one of life's greatest joys...the catch 22 is that its also one of life's largest frustrations and worries....but the glass is always half full because the joy far outweighs anything negative that comes along with bringing a child into this crazy, fucked up world. In all my life, I never imagined that watching someone breathe as they slept would warm my heart the way it does. The ravioli stain on the carpet is another story...

Speaking of carpet. Everyone knows my carpet woes...how hard it is to keep clean. Well, I broke out the carpet cleaning kit on the ole Kirby the other day and cleaned my everlovin' ass off. The next evening, I wanted to take a 30 minute nap. As soon, and I mean as SOON, as my head hit the pillow, my husband busted into the bedroom and announced "You're going to have to clean the carpet again. She just threw up two big piles of roast beef and cheese - mixed in with sweet tea." @#$%@#$%#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something funny happened last week. My kid is slower than a snail. A slow lorus could beat her in a marathon, and those bitches move so slow that moss grows on their backs. Anyway, I was in a hurry and she was being notoriously slow about getting out of the car. Finally I said, "JESUS! Will you hurry up?" She looked at me and said "I'm not Jesus. I'm (insert name here)." WHOOPS.

We had a great Christmas. The kid got more Dora stuff than you can shake a stick at. She was toooo excited to see the Baby Alive that I nearly killed a man for. Earlier today, she was playing with it and she told me "I just KNEW HoHo would bring me a Baby Alive!" And for the record, the thing has already shit on me once and pissed on me twice...and get this. The instructions say to put 19 mL if water in the food to make it like baby food. 19 mL?? Could they be any more random? It may as well say "Add 1 teaspoon and 2-kajillion-and-4.7 googagallons of water." 19 mL?????

Holy shit. We have a mouse in our house. I detest them. I hate them. Our old house was on a farm. At one point, it became absolutely infested with mice. I was scared to use poison because of our other pets. Finally, I just snapped. I'd had enough...I called the exterminator. Then, just as luck would have it, one of them climbed up into our leather sofa and died. My husband and I always joked that we'd have to burn the couch to get rid of the smell. As we surveyed all the damage from the fire, I walked past the sofa and the irony of it made me laugh hysterically. I looked at my husband and said "Well?? At least it doesn't smell like dead vermin anymore. I guess that's a plus..." And let me tell you...you cannot be humane while catching/killing mice. When we saw the 1st mouse at the other house, I immediately went to Wal-Mart to see what they had to get rid of them. Being the kind soul that I am (yeah right), I decided on a little gizmo called a "Mice Cube." You put your lure of choice into the box and the mouse is supposed to go in and eat it. The trick is that once its in, there's no way for it to get out on its own. You're supposed to take the cube somewhere and empty the mouse back into the wild. That thing never caught a mouse one. I even went one step further on the humanity scale when I found a mouse drowning in the dogs water bowl. I retrieved his tiny body and nursed him back to health. I guess he thought that was pretty groovy...'cause when I let him go, the son of a bitch went and told all his friends and then THEY all came over. I kept thinking, "And this is that thanks I get..." Well anyway, I got all off track. My husband told me that he had just seen a mouse and that it had gone under the couch. No sooner did he say that when the nasty thing darted out from under the couch and ran smooth across my feet. I screamed like a little bitch. My husband said that my blood-curdling scream probably scared him into the next county. There will be no infestation here!!! I won't have it! I just won't.