Well...

I haven't really been able to bring myself to blog after the events of the past year. I've lived in my own personal hell - a childless place - and didn't feel like sharing it with the world.

He got custody. He took her from me, kept her from me, LIED in court - and we proved it; he showed no proof of anything he said about me, had his MARRIED mistress on the stand (who was later charged with contempt of court Bwaaahahahhahaha) and the son of a bitch STILL walked out the court with our child. I, on the other hand, had a 2 inch stack of papers that were hard-core PROOF of the person/parent he was and had been - and that ignorant judge didn't care. She wasn't reversing her decision come hell or high water.

I have the kiddo every other weekend and mid-week every week - but if you're a parent who cares, you know this just isn't enough. I carried her; I loved her from the moment I knew I was carrying her (an "it" then) when he BEGGED me to have an abortion - I took care of her for the most part, and regardless of the pictures he offered into evidence, I kept us fed, clean and clothed - even though I admittedly SUCK at doing laundry, we ALWAYS had clean clothes.

In early May, our daughter asked me why Daddy was kissing Mrs. Marriedslut if he was married to me - YES PEOPLE - HE DID THIS IN FRONT OF HER - so I left in mid-May when our daughter was on vacation with his Mom and Dad (something I objected to but was never given a say in), and he proceeded to trash our house after I left. Anyone who knows ME (and that's NOT his married ex-girlfriend/fuck buddy) knows that I keep a clean house. And that moldy Big Mac in the kid's closet that the married fuck buddy testified to seeing?? Well bitch, I don't like them and wouldn't eat one if I had to (seriously? Thousand Island dressing on a HAMBURGER? Come ON! That's absolutely DISGUSTING), so it wasn't mine. That was put there by....oh...WHO? That would be the one and only - my shit bag ex-husband.

What his married girlfriend didn't know about him is that if his lips were moving, you could probably bet he was lying. I always had to second, third, fourth and FIFTH guess anything he said - and then go check myself. It got old. I didn't want our daughter to turn out like him - but now, thanks to a local judge who is known for taking pay offs and making judgments based on favors and money, he has her - and she'll turn out to be as big of a piece of shit as he is. WHY?! Dear GOD why?!

Am I innocent in all this? No. I'm not. I'd be a damn liar if I said I were. In July, after I left (in May) I reconnected with a guy I'd dated in high school. We were just friends for about a month or maybe a little more, but there was a connection and I acted on it when I shouldn't have. I was still legally married. I can't justify it because wrong is wrong - and I told the judge that - but when you've been mentally abused and completely ignored for the better part of the last several years, its SOOO easy to cave into something like that. Wrong is still wrong, though. Our affairs canceled each other out in the custody case (and divorce), so it wasn't a big deal in the eyes of the court - but I was wrong and I know it. He, on the other hand, continued to deny his affair with the married hooker, in spite of STACKS of emails I had of them talking about having sex and showering together and telling each other that they loved the other. OK dude, whatever - but the fucking judge said that she wasn't "SURE that he actually had an affair, but that it was enough to cancel out what I'd done." REALLY?!?!! :::coughcoughjudicialpayoffcoughcough::: :::coughcoughandIhavehisbankrecordsbutcan'tprovewherethecashwentcoughcough::: What sucked is that I couldn't prove all the other affairs he'd had...down to a dating website that I found him in 2005 to be an ACTIVE member of that said he liked both women and men (I couldn't remember what it was and I didn't print it out back then because I didn't have a printer), the underwear I found in his truck, the bra and shirt I found in my house that never would have fit me (on separate occasions)........people, the list goes on. I could talk about the strange hairs I found in our bed and on the couch on SEVERAL occasions after I'd visited family for the weekend with our kid - or the "strange stains" (think Monica Lewinski) on the living room floor for days on end.

And I'M the one who got penalized because I didn't take care of the kid all summer? Well, that's because he wouldn't let me. He took her; he hid her. He was scared to death that his MAMA wouldn't get to see her as much and he FREAKED. What the piece of shit didn't know is that regardless of how I felt about the time she spent with his parents, it wouldn't have stopped - BECAUSE SHE LOVES THEM. She WANTS to see them. I never would have denied them of that in a million years. I NEVER would have kept her from her shitty father, either. Never ever never not in a billion years. The judge ACTUALLY said she couldn't penalize him for taking the kid and not letting me have her because she would have advised him to do the same thing. Why? Because I'm an awful mother? No. She said that the bigger or stronger parent usually ends up with the child anyway because they can physically force the other parent to hand the child over. YES PEOPLE. Words straight from the paid off judge's mouth. I'm sorry; its a kid. Its not a fucking game. Its the well-being of an innocent child at stake here. That judge will rot in hell and I honestly hope something shitty happens to her and no one will help her. She needs to know how it feels to have your life RUINED and the people who are supposed to help you DON'T. I hope a man who is 6'5" and weighs 300 pounds takes HER children. And I hope like HELL she can't get them back because she's not big enough to take them back by force.

I took care of my kid. I took part in all of her school functions. I taught her about charity by volunteering my time to organizations and letting her help. I disciplined her. I dressed her nicely. I was the one who fixed her hair. I bought her clothes. I was a stay at home Mom since she was 20 months old. I cooked the meals and fed her. I OCCASIONALLY did laundry LOL. I mowed the grass - fuck I even mowed the grass for the old lady next door to us. I cleaned the house (regardless of him trashing it). You know what he did? He played with her. He bathed her sometimes. He took her to school occasionally. That's IT. He even testified that he's NEVER disciplined her and that he doesn't intend to start now. And the judge acted like I had let a crack-head on the corner play with her, bathe her, and occasionally take her to school. She actually held those things against me and said so. She basically said that I was a shitty mother because he worked and ever had to do ANYTHING but work. I assure you, he didn't do much - and what he did he WANTED to do. I didn't ask or force him to do shit. EVER.

Are these the rantings of a bitter woman? Yes. Most definitely. But I want every woman out there to know that when her own child sees his or her father kissing another woman and comes to them about it, that they SHOULD NOT LEAVE. Stick it out. Let him abuse you, whether it be mentally, physically, or sexually. Because when it comes down to it, these types of men are typically very charismatic and are able to wiggle their way around the court like you wouldn't believe. You can be the best mother in the world, but the fact is that if you get in the wrong judge's courtroom, you WILL lose custody of your child - and I'm living proof of this.