I went to the optometrist the other day. My last set of contacts burned up in the fire. I was determined to get a comfortable set this time. I've never had any that were and the one in my left eye always bunched up and fell out or the stupid thing just popped out with no warning. So she was doing her thing and then she informed me that I have astigmatism in my left eye. DO WHAT?? Fifteen years of eye exams and no one noticed an astigmatism???? What kind of bullshit is THAT?? So after being fitted, I tried out a few pairs of new contacts for astigmatism, which also proceeded to wad up in my eye and fall out onto the table. I was like "fuck it" and picked out some new frames just to be done with it. I've tried everything short of Gorilla Glue to keep contacts in and none of it works. I'm through fighting the things.
My grandmother just returned from a month long deployment to crazy-land. Dad went ape-shit and she had to go out there and straighten him out. Tonight, I over heard her crying to my grandfather about how nobody understands Dad. Of course nobody does! He goes apeshit, treats people like total shit, and then expects them to kiss his ass when he's through with his tirade. Everybody is SICK of it. I completely understand her feelings as his mother, but his mother, I AIN'T. So I'll think what I want.
Still though...I went out with the boys last weekend to a show and this guy sat in front of us. He was obviously on something and he reminded me so much of Dad. It was a total buzz-kill and it fucked up my drunk....which I had achieved off of ONE Corona. How sad is that? Funny, yet sad. I drank water for the rest of the night. Nobody wants to be a sad drunk.
On my blogging hiatus, I taught myself a new skill that I hopefully will never use again. I made a quilt....by hand. Its just a baby blanket for my sister's new baby, but the words "pure hell" don't do justice for what I went through. I started out making the thing on a sewing machine (let me mention that I'd also never used a sewing machine before this) and once I got the entire top together, I thought it looked like shit, so I took a seam ripper and split every seam I'd worked so hard to sew. Then I resized the squares to something that looked more proportionate for a baby blanket and went to town with my needle and thread. A week later, I had the finished product in hand, but the house went to hell in a hand basket as I carefully and diligently painstakingly stitched each square together. I stabbed my boob twice, struck blood on my fingers more times than I can shake a stick at, and threw more tantrums than a teething toddler (which I have right now). I'm extremely proud of the finished product regardless of what I went through to get it, but I DO NOT want to ever repeat the experience. What's fucked up is that I'm thinking of making some more and keeping them in stock for friends and family members that end up having babies in the future. I'm getting a sewing machine of my own (that will work...unlike the one I was using to make this quilt) for Christmas so I might give it a whirl. If I can manage to make a quilt on it, great. If not, then oh well. I guess as long as I don't have to hand-stitch the whole thing then it wouldn't be too bad.
I also just finished making the invitations for my sister's baby shower. 1,480 hand-painted polka dots later and I was questioning my sanity. I had some problems finding invitations that were up to my standards so I thought "Oh. I'll just make them. No biggie." ??? WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?? I bought brown and green paint, brown and green ribbon, and little silver charms that say "new baby" and went to town (her nursery is green and brown which sounds hideous, but its not. Its really pretty). Again, the finished product looked more than amazing...but SHIT.
I was watching TV the other day and this bitch was talking about how she jump started her metabolism and lost 80 lbs. in 4 months. It wasn't a show about dieting, so she didn't endorse any product; she just mentioned it in conversation...and I was like....damn. That would kick ass. Unhealthy, but it would kick ass anyway. I think I'm about to go on a wild goose chase looking for ways to kick start MY metabolism. Shit. I'd be happy if I could just FIND it, let alone kick start it.
Right. So I went to take a drink of water the other day. I had left the glass sitting for a few hours, but hell. It was water. I brought the glass up to my mouth and then I saw it. There was a LOOGIE. IN MY WATER. I went bazerk. A big glob of mucus goes in one place and one place only, and then it should be promptly flushed. So I went to find hubs. Guess what he said. Just GUESS. "I don't remember if I did it or not." WHAT? WHAT????????? You don't remember??? I puke if I spit that shit out, so I just hold it in and take medicine to dry it up. The baby doesn't know how to hock a loogie yet, so it wasn't her...and I've yet to see the dog do it. So that leaves one motherfucker. And he didn't remember if he did it or not. Is he so stupid that he thinks I'm buying it? What kind of fucking moron doesn't remember gagging mucus into a glass because he was too damn lazy to pick his ass up off the couch and spit into the toilet? Yeah right.
So the kid was peeing last night. All of the sudden I heard a big thud that was followed by complete silence - never a good thing with a toddler around. I yelled, "What happened?" and I got an immediate "Nuffin'! I'm OK!" which is also never a good thing to hear when a toddler is around. I ran into the bathroom to find my kid's feet sticking up out of the bathtub. There was the shower curtain and just feet in front of it. It was the strangest thing. It looked like the bathtub had swallowed her whole - but her feet wouldn't fit into the belly of the beast. I asked her what happened and she started laughing and said, "I was gettin' off the potty and I jus' fell over in the bathtub!" I retrieved her from the jaws of the fearsome tub and laughed for nearly 15 minutes. Shit like that happens almost every day. Its so random that its funny. I particularly enjoy watching her play, though admittedly, its one of the stranger things I've witnessed in my life. I don't even know how to describe it. I guess her attention span is still so short that she really can't fully complete a task. For instance: she has one of those big Aqua-Doodle mats. She took the pen and stamps from the loops on the side and took them to the bathroom to put water in the pen and water on the stamp pad. By the time she was done, I guess she lost her concentration. She took the pen and stamps into the playroom and threw them in the floor and started playing with something else. Thirty some odd seconds later, she was through with that, so she pulled out something else that didn't even go with what she was playing with - which was a Little People doll house. As I was cleaning later that evening, I went to fold up the doll house. Inside I found an enormous doll that had been meticulously stuffed into the house. The doll was bigger than the house for cat's sake. I guess her brain can't process size ratios yet and I'm glad for that, because it made me laugh.
We went to the park not too long ago. Just me and her. After about 30 minutes, she heard a noise. "Mom. Is that an elephant?" That in itself was hysterically funny to me, but I told her that elephants live in the jungle, not in the woods, so no. That wasn't an elephant. Then she convinced herself that it was the big bad wolf. I kept telling her that it was just a dog howling but she wasn't having any of that. Big crocodile tears welled up in her eyes and she demanded that we "go home RIGHT NOW." I told her that we would and I got up to walk to the car. She scrambled off the bench and attached herself to my leg. Then she went into hysterics and made me carry her the 1/4 mile to the car. She was too scared to walk. As I buckled her into the carseat she told me, "Next time, Dad can take me to the park. You not very good at it." I thought, "I suck at going to the park??" I think I hit a new all-time low with that realization.
Jeez. It got REALLY cold overnight. It was quite nice when my head hit the pillow last night, but I was greeted by nice frosty air when I opened the door to let the dog out earlier. The weather here in "the fall" freaks my sinuses out. It can be 80 degrees one day and 40 the next. I hate cold weather, but I wish it would hurry up and just come on already.
1 comment:
Man, I sure was missing those! Thank you for making my life complete once again :)
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